Trying to be a Writer whilst turning into an Expert Procrastinator

It turns out, trying to be a writer is a frigging roller coaster of emotions.

Mostly I feel self-doubt, thrown in with a little bit of; Oh, OK, that bit seems alright. 

It's easy to forget that when you are doing a masters degree in creative writing you are kinda setting yourself up for criticism. Admittedly it should be constructive but none-the-less, prepare to have your very soul ripped out with assessment scores and critiques.

Having just started my second year of my part-time masters (although how anyone has time got to do it full time, I do not know!) I have had a really disappointing score for my first assessment. 

Of course, this has sent me into a spiral of despair, where I had the following reactions in this order:

  1. Well, that's it. I'm rubbish at writing, I always knew it. I'll give up! - closely followed by,
  2. You can't give up, you've given them all your money, you need to pass this thing so you can have a disposable income again, in the future, at some far distant point. Please.
  3. Well, that's just fine, I'll do it, but now where is the liquor. It's day drinking time. 
  4. No time for day drinking, time to get back on the horse little lady (I don't know why I have turned into a cowboy from the 1960s?)
  5. Turn on the computer - write something disparaging about my assessment, and following despair on a Facebook page for other OU people doing the same course.
  6. Read supportive comments from loads of other students in the same boat.
  7. Feel a little better. 
  8. Sleep on it.
  9. Wake up the next day and think, OK let's get over this and move on. At this point, I become the master of procrastinating as opposed to creative writing. Here is how I spend my day: 
    1. Look at social media
    2. Fuss the cat
    3. Re-check social media, I may have missed something
    4. Take photo's of the cat
    5. Take photo's of Lego
    6. Take photo's of frosty things in the garden
    7. Post a load of pictures on Instagram
    8. Check for likes
    9. Make some boiled eggs
    10. Save a blank page to revise the start of my novel based on peer reviews
    11. Look at the blank page for a bit
    12. Check for likes
    13. Lie on the bed (My desk is in the bedroom)
    14. Lie on the floor with the intention of doing some pilates, but just lie there instead
    15. Realise all my old diaries are piled up on the floor, look at them for a bit
    16. Tidy the diaries up and put them into date order
    17. Sit at my desk and look at the other people's houses
    18. Think I should be writing and look at my blank page again
    19. Spend time making the original word document half my laptop screen size whilst making the blank page fill the other side
    20. Realise it's time to fetch the kid from band practice
And that is how you get over a bad assessment score. Sort of. I have written stuff since, but I'm still slightly more self-doubty than I would like.

BTW - here is a picture of the cat who puts me off.

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